Jul 19, 2019
Episode Summary:
Today we’re going to be talking about the pain of the friendship
relationships that steal your joy. Specifically, toxic friends.
Have you ever struggled with a friendship that has gone array?
Perhaps you invested yourself fully into a friendship only to find
out that the relationship was a bit one-sided, or perhaps even a
toxic friendship? If so, then today is the perfect show for
you.
There's something wrong with your friendship, but you can't
figure out what. Is everything in your
head? Unfortunately, most of us have a few toxic friends
over the course of our life. Toxic friendships happen to everyone,
but we seldom identify the underlying issues while we battle
confusion or the friendship breaks up. Friendships can be hard but
breaking up is even harder. Maybe you're left bewildered in the
friendship's wake, paralyzed to move forward.
On today’s show we are going to be talking to Mary DeMuth. After
wading through several difficult relationships with toxic friends,
Mary reveals the seven different types of toxic friendships and
empowers you to identify the messiest relationships causing you the
greatest anguish.
I had the pleasure of reading an early copy of her book, The
Seven Deadly Friendships and offered my written endorsement:
"In 30 years as a mental health practitioner, I've had the
privilege of working with patients who have struggled with and
suffered because of toxic friends, akin to those detailed
in The Seven Deadly Friendships. Mary helps us
identify those toxic relationships and then points us to seven
life-giving practices to help us receive and extend healthy
friendships."
Quotables from the episode:
- Have you ever had toxic friends? If so, you’ll want to listen
to this episode of Your Hope-Filled Perspective with Dr. Michelle
Bengtson.
- The toxic friendships are based on the seven deadly sins listed
in Proverbs 6: haughty eyes, lying tongue, hands that kill the
innocent, a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong, a
false witness who pours out lies, and a person who sows discord in
a family.
- Almost all sins are relational in some sort of way, whether
they are relational toward God or toward others.
- The difficult relationships we face that coordinate with the
seven deadly sins are: Narcissist Nolan, Unreliable Uma, Predator
Paige, Conman Connor, Temptor Trevor, Faker Fiona, and Dramatic
Drake.
- For each of these types of relationships, we need to know what
the scriptures say about them, but we also need to ask ourselves
the question, “Am I like this?”
- Relationships are built on two or more individuals, and we each
play a role in their success or their failure.
- We need to examine our hearts and become better friends,
because the stuff of life is built on friendships.
- There are a lot of divorce recovery books available, but until
now there wasn’t a friendship divorce recovery book to guide us
through such relationship breakups.
- Friendship breakups can be even more painful than a romantic
breakup. Part of the reason for that is because we don’t expect it.
When you are dating someone to find a mate, you anticipate kissing
a few frogs before finding the prince to spend your life with. But
especially as women, we tend to look at friendships and expect them
to be lifelong and not just for a season. When they break up, we
are left wondering “what’s wrong with me?”
- The deadly friendship that seemed like it would be the least
common was actually one of the most common: Conman Connor. When you
have equated a relationship with finances or money, which can be as
simple as someone friending you on facebook only to turn around and
ask you to buy their awesome product, that is quite common. Just
about everyone has experienced that kind of a relationship. That is
a transactional view of relationship and we need to be super
cautious about that.
- When that happens we are left feeling dirty because we were
used, and our relationship is undervalued because they only want
you for the dollar sign.
- In today’s world, Faker Fiona is common. That’s someone with
cameleon-like tendencies because we present one way online but
often different in person.
- Narcissistic personalities are often difficult to identify
because they present as charming and engaging, rather than
controlling and manipulative.
- It can be hard after a friendship breakup because we blame
ourselves even when people with predatory or narcissistic
tendencies are skilled at preying on others.
- It helps to ask, “Why was I attracted to people who are so
self-absorbed, or who were preying on me?”
- It often goes back to childhood, thinking that if we could just
get those personality types to love us, then they would complete
our incomplete story from childhood.
- The Lord has to be the completer of our story. He is perfect,
He is loving, He loves me no matter what. He can complete that love
need that we have.
- This is not meant to just point the finger, but to help us grow
and change and become better friends to others.
- Relationship is a good thing. God said it was not good for Adam
to be alone so He created a companion for Adam in the Garden of
Eden. But sin has come into the world, so now it’s a matter of
learning how to grow AND how to guard our heart.
- Jesus had very close relationships with twelve, not with
thousands. He modeled for us how to choose good relationships and
invest in relationships that want reciprocity.
- If we imagine the freedom to walk away, and think about how God
may heal us, or heal the other person, that can truly be healing to
know that things will be okay even if we walk away.
- It also helps to consult an unbiased party who is not involved
in the relationship to get their perspective; either a trusted
friend or a counselor.
- Whether you rely on a couple of close friends who have your
back but will speak the truth in love, or a therapist who is
unbiased and can offer an unbiased perspective, a neutral third
party can reflect the truth back to you so that this doesn’t have
to continue as a lifelong cycle. Therapy helps you determine why
you continue to choose the same behavior repeatedly.
- If you feel like you are the one contributing to a
relationship, we always have the opportunity to apologize, and
repentance does amazing things. But it takes two for
reconciliation.
- If God removes someone from your life, don’t go chasing after
them. There is a reason He removed them.
- It’s not up to us to change other people, we are responsible
for our own behavior.
- Don’t let past pain embitter you to future relationships. If
you never open your heart again to safe community, you will spiral
down in bitterness.
- Our prayer for you is that you might identify relationships
that are truly not healthy friends, so you can do something about
them and remain in community.
Scripture References:
- “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of
fools suffers harm.” (Proverbs 13:20)
- “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”
(Proverbs 27:17)
Recommended Resources:
Social Media Links for Host and Guest:
To contact Mary:
For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:
Air Date: July 15, 2019
Guest: Mary DeMuth
Mary DeMuth is a writer and speaker who loves to help
people live re-storied lives. Author of more than 30 books,
including parenting books, Southern fiction, and a memoir
entitled Thin Places, Mary speaks around the country
and the world. Today, Mary is giving of her time to share with
us in order that we might enjoy the fruit of healthy
friendships.
Hosted By: Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Audio Technical Support: Bryce Bengtson